Tim Vine Jokes and Oneliners:
1. “I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”
2. “I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”
3. “I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’”
4. “This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’”
5. “This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.’”
6. “Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’”
7. “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
8. “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.’”
9. “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
10. “I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’”
11. “Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”
12. “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”
13. “My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”
Milton Jones Jokes and Oneliners:
1. “Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.”
2. “My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.”
3. “Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…”
4. “Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!”
5. “You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.”
6. “The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.”
7. “I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”
Ken Dodd Jokes and Oneliners:
1. “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
2. “I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seashore.”
Miscellaneous Authors:
1. “The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
2. “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” – Tom Ward
3. “My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.” – Sarah Millican
4. “Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?” – Dan Antolpolski
5. “Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door.” – Bill Bailey
6. “I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.” – Tommy Cooper
7. “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” – Matt Kirshen
8. “A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” – Peter Kay
9. “Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.’” – Harry Hill
Why makes this Joke funny?
Joke: “I’d like to start with the chimney Jokes – I’ve got…”
Explanation: This Joke uses the word “stack,” which refers to a chimney, and “the first one is on the house” as a pun. “On the house” can mean “free of charge” but here it`s used literally – the chimney (stack) is physically on the house.
Joke: “I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah…”
Explanation: “Pull a fast one” is an idiom that means to deceive someone. It’s a pun since cheetahs are fast animals, implying the man is trying to charm or “pull” the cheetah – the “fast one.”
Joke: “Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes …”
Explanation: It plays with the term “organised crime” referring to criminal organizations and mafia-like activities while humorously using “organised” to refer to keeping things orderly with a Filofax (a type of personal organizer).
Joke: “This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack …”
Explanation: This Joke involves a play on words with “fret,” which can be a worry or a part of a guitar. It creates a double meaning: “Is that something to worry about?” and “Is that part of the guitar you`re referring to?”
Joke: “This policeman came up to …”
Explanation: The pun is on “trace.” In a police context, it might mean locating someone, but the Joke turns it into a literal tracing with pencil and paper, unexpected and absurd.
Joke: “You know the animal that …”
Explanation: This is a pun on “Hepatitis B” (a virus) and “bee.” The Joke is that instead of an actual animal, it’s a disease that’s being labeled as the deadliest.
Joke: “The pollen count …”
Explanation: “Pollen count” refers to the measurement of pollen levels in the air, but it`s punned as if it`s a job title (like a noble Count), making it “difficult” due to hay fever.
Joke: “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo …”
Explanation: “Abba-riginal” is a portmanteau of “Abba” (the band that sings “Dancing Queen”) and “Aboriginal” (indigenous Australians, often associated with playing the didgeridoo).
Joke: “I have kleptomania…”
Explanation: It’s a pun where “take something for it” usually means taking medication for a condition, but “take” humorously refers to stealing, playing on the term “kleptomania” (a compulsion to steal).
Joke: “As a scarecrow, people say …”
Explanation: This Joke has two puns. “Outstanding in my field” could mean being exceptional in one`s profession, but it`s used literally here. The second pun is on “hay” – playing on “hey” and referring to actual hay and “it`s in my jeans” (genes) indicating a natural inclination but also punning on hay being stuck in the scarecrow`s pants.
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